The Sale Barn

The IRS:

The IRS decides to audit Ralph, and summons him to the IRS office.

The IRS auditor is not surprised when Ralph shows up with his attorney.

The auditor says, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own

eye." The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way can you do that! It's a

bet." Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says,

"Now, I'll bet you two thousand

dollars that I can bite my other eye." The auditor can tell Ralph

isn't blind, so he takes the bet. Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,

with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six

thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that

wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in

between." The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees

again. Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he

strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on other side,

so he pretty much urinates all over the desk. The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks. "Not really," says the attorney.

"This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he

bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over

an IRS official's desk and that you'd be happy about it."

How Many Horses Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?

* Thoroughbred: Who ME?? Do WHAT? I'm scared of light bulbs! I'm outta here!

* Arabian: I changed it an hour ago. C'mon you guys - catch up!

* Quarter Horse: Put all the bulbs in a pen and tell me which one you want.

* Standardbred: Oh for Pete's Sake, give me the darn bulb and let's be done with it.

* Shetland: Give it to me. I'll kill it and we won't have to worry about it anymore.

* Friesian: I would, but I can't see where I'm going from behind all this forelock.

* Belgian: Put the Shetland on my back, maybe he can reach it then.

* Warmblood: Is the 2nd Level Instruction Packet in English? Doesn't anyone realize that I was sold for $75K as a yearling, but only because my hocks are bad, otherwise I would be worth $100K? I am NOT changing lightbulbs. Make the TB get back here and do it.

* Morgan: Me! Me! Me! Pleeease let me! I wanna do it! I'm gonna do it! I know how, really I do! Just watch! I'll rewire the barn after, too.

* Appaloosa: Ya'll are a bunch of losers. We don't need to change the lightbulb, I ain't scared of the dark. And someone make that darn Morgan stop jumping up and down before I double barrel him.

* Haflinger: That thing I ate was a lightbulb?

* Mustang: Lightbulb? Let's go on a trail ride, instead. And camp. Out in the open like REAL horses.

* Lipizzaner: Hah, amateurs. I will change the lightbulb. Not only that, but I will do it while standing on my hind legs and balancing it on my nose, after which I will perform seven flying lead changes in a row and a capriole. Can you do that? Huh? Huh? Didn't think so.

* Miniature: I bet you think I can't do it just cause I'm small. You know what that is? It's sizeism!

* Akhal Teke: I will only change it if it's my owner's lightbulb and no one else has ever touched it.

* Andalusian: I will delegate the changing of the lightbulb to my personal groom after he finishes shampooing my mane and cleaning my saddle, but only on the condition that it is changed for a soft blue or green bulb, which reflects better off my coat while I exhibit my astonishing gaits.

* Cleveland Bay: I'm busy. Make the whipper-in and the hounds do it.

* Saddlebred: My ears are up already, please, please get the lightbulb away from me! I'm ready to show, really, I promise I'll win!

* Paint: Put all the lightbulbs in a pen, tell me which one you want, and my owner will bet you twenty bucks I can get it before the quarter horse.

* POA: I'm not changing it. I'm the one who kicked the old one and broke it in the first place, remember? Now, excuse me, I have a grain room to break into.

* Grade Horse: Guys? Um, guys? I hope you don't mind, but I went ahead and changed it while you were all arguing.

Facts To Ponder:

(A) The number of physicians in the U.S. is 700,000.

(B) Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000.

(C) Accidental deaths per physician is 0.171.

Statistics courtesy of U.S. Department of Health and Human Services.

Now Think About This: Guns.

(A) The number of gun owners in the U.S. is 80,000,000.

( Yes, that’s 80 million! )

(B) The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.

(C) The number of accidental gun deaths per gun owner is 0.000188. Statistics courtesy of the FBI.

So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous then gun owners.

Remember: Guns don’t kill people, doctors do.”

Fact:

Not everyone has a gun, but almost everyone has at least one doctor. Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors before this gets completely out of hand!!!

Out of concern for the public at large, we have withheld the statistics on lawyers for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical attention!

None of that Sissy Crap

Are you tired of those sissy 'friendship' poems?

Well, here is a series of promises that actually speak of true friendship.

You will see no cutesy little smiley faces on this card-

Just the stone cold truth of our great friendship.

1. When you are sad --I will jump on the person who made you sad like a spider monkey jacked up on Mountain Dew!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2. When you are blue -- I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile -- I will know you are plotting something that I must be involved in.

4. When you're scared -- we will high tail it out of here.

5. When you are worried -- I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining, ya big baby!!!!

6. When you are confused -- I will use little words.

7. When you are sick --Stay away f rom me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall -- I'll pick you up and dust you off--

After I laugh my butt off!!

9. This is my oath...I pledge it to the en d. 'Why?' you may ask -- because you are my FRIEND!

Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it,

but only you can feel the true warmth.

Send this to 10 of your closest friends, Then get depressed because you can only think

of 4.

Remember:

Amateurs...built the ark.

Professionals....built the Titanic.

Now!

Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more

than 500 employees and has the following statistics:

* 29 have been accused of spousal abuse

* 7 have been arrested for fraud

* 19 have been accused of writing bad checks

* 117 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

* 3 have done time for assault

* 71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

* 14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

* 8 have been arrested for shoplifting

* 21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

* 84 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year...

Can you guess which organization this is?

Give up yet?

It's the 535 members of the United States Congress.

The same group that crank out hundreds of new laws each year designed to

keep the rest of us in line.

WHY GOD MADE MOMS

Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions: Why did God make mothers?

1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.

2. Mostly to clean the house.

3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?

1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.

2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.

3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used

bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?

1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the

world and one dab of mean.

2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly

use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?

1. We're related.

2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's mom like me.

What kind of a little girl was your mom?

1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.

2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty

bossy.

3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?

1. His last name.

2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does

he get drunk on beer?

3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and

YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?

1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a

lot.

2. She got too old to do anything else with him.

3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?

1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof

ball.

2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff

under the bed.

3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms an d dads?

1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.

2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.

3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause

that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.

4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?

1. Mothers don't do spare time.

2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?

1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind

of plastic surgery.

2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing a bout your mom, what would it be?

1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get

rid of that.

2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister

who did it not me.

3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of

her head.

THE LAW IS THE LAW!

I really love this one. This is one of the better e-mails I have received in a long time! I hope this makes its way around the USA several times over!

So Be It!

THE LAW IS THE LAW

So if the US government determines that it is against the law for the words "under God" to be on our money, then, so be it.

And if that same government decides that the "Ten Commandments" are not to be used in or on a government installation, then, so be it.

I say, "so be it," because I would like to be a law abiding US citizen.

I say, "so be it," because I would like to think that smarter people than I are in positions to make good decisions.

I would like to think that those people have the American public's best interests at heart. BUT, YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I'D LIKE?

Since we can't pray to God, can't Trust in God and cannot post His Commandments in Government buildings, I don't believe the Government and its employees should participate in the Easter and Christmas celebrations which honor the God that our government is eliminating from many facets of American life.

I'd like my mail delivered on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter. After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the " US Supreme Court to be in session on Christmas, Good Friday, Thanksgiving & Easter as well as Sundays." After all, it's just another day.

I'd like the Senate and the House of Representatives to not have to worry about getting home for the "Christmas Break." After all it's just another day.

I'm thinking that a lot of my taxpayer dollars could be saved, if all government offices & services would work on Christmas, Good Friday & Easter. It shouldn't cost any overtime since those would be just like any other day of the week to a government that is trying to be "politically correct."

In fact....

I think that our government should work on Sundays (initially set aside for worshipping God...) because, after all, our government says that it should be just another day....

What do you all think????

If this idea gets to enough people, maybe our elected officials will stop giving in to the "minority opinions"

and begin, once again, to represent the "majority" of ALL of the American people.

SO BE IT...........

Please Dear Lord,

Give us the help needed to keep you in our country!

'Amen' and 'Amen'

Touche!

These are definitely things I never thought about but from now on, I will be sure to question those in government who support these changes.

At the top, it says "I hope this makes its way around the USA several times over!!!!!"

Let's see that it does.

I just want to thank all of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.

I no longer open a public bathroom door without using a paper towel.

Or have them put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.

I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the movie channels. Nor can I sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.

I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking ones nose.

Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of Trans fats I have consumed over the years.

I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.

I must send my special thanks to whoever sent me the one about poop in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl (Penny Brown) who is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's novena has granted my every wish.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I won't touch margarine, as it is just one molecule away from being plastic.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

Thanks to you, I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.

Because of your concern I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains, nor do I drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put 'Under God' on their cans.

I can no longer buy gasoline without taking someone along to watch the car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm pumping gas.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

And thanks for letting me know I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

Neither will I go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or Fed Ex since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer buy expensive cookies from Neiman Marcus since I now have their recipe.

Thanks to you, I can 't use anyone 's toilet but my own because a big brown African spider is lurking under the seat to cause me instant death when it bites my butt.

And thanks to your great advice, I can't ever pick up $5.00 dropped in the parking lot because it probably was placed there by a sex molester waiting underneath my car to grab my leg.

I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the brown recluse and my hand will fall off.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 14,000 people in the next 14 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at 5:00 PM tomorrow afternoon and the fleas from 1,000 camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next-door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband 's cousin's beautician...

Have a wonderful day....

Oh, by the way A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

LET'S PLAY COWBOYS AND INJUNS...

Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger

lounge in Bozeman, Montana, while awaiting their respective flights.

One is an American Indian passing through from Lame Deer. Another is

a Cowboy on his way to Billings for a livestock show & the third

passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student, newly arrived at Montana

State University from the Middle East.

Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures. Soon, the two

Westerners learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the

conversation falls into an uneasy lull.

The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine

table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.

The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around , and the old windsock

is flapping; but still no plane comes.

Finally, the American Indian clears his throat and softly he speaks,

'At one time here, my people were many, but sadly, now we are few.'

The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward, 'Once my

people were few,' he sneers, 'and now we are many. Why do you suppose

that is?'

The Montana cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth and

from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl . .

'That's 'cause we ain't played Cowboys and Muslims yet, but I do

believe it's a-comin'.